I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
me hooking up with my ex
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please