[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?