They say women only use 10% of their anger
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My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.