Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
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This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Optional boss fight.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.