My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
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They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Practicing safe sax
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck