Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
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Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur