me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
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My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!