summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
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WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I ate everything, including the H.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake