*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.