Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
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I am, perchance
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.