A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????