People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol