Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
<—- homeless romantic
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”