Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
You Might Also Like
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries