Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree