Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
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Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Otters see a butterfly.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Did my cat write this
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement