People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.