Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
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[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I love the National Park Service.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.