[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
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ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.