You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.