The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
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my professor scared me for a second
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?