Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
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First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!