I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that