Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
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Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Was it something I said?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.