… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
This is my pinned tweet
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.