7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
This could be us… but you playing
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.