did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
He’s dead
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.