By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.