future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.