Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
the battle rages on
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.