If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
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I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
live, laugh, laundry.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
it’s the silliest best thing
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If looks could kill
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro