Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
You Might Also Like
Hmm, not sure about this change
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?