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You better watch out
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I unironically love this joke.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I would move hell over six inches for you
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics