Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
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Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong