Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
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My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I think this should do it.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video