😂😂
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imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I’m having an out of money experience.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in