Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
You Might Also Like
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.