Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Jesus Christ lmao