ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.