Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
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“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.