My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
my dog when i have a friend over
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”