What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
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The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
😂💯
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk