You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
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[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
still the best tweet of the year by far
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Lmbo
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*