I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
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Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead