Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.