You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”