You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam