*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
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My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Meanwhile in Canada…
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid