My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.