9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m not proud
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.