We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
opening twitter today
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Canada has crack?
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?